One golden, sweaty evening, six (sort of) strangers assembled in a secret cafe above Gloucester Road to listen deeply to one another and hold space for the traumas of being lied to about Santa…
It is not usually the case that we gather to talk about something that isn’t either urgent or deeply personal on the one hand, or a small-talk sideshow on the other – where there isn’t a primary speaker and where there is no agenda or a goal for consensus, outcomes, actions. But it is equally unusual to engage in conversation about a topic that nobody in the circle is specifically an expert about, where nobody has recently read a paper or book, seen a documentary or listened to a podcast about it. It is unusual amongst a group of people to stay on topic wihout letting the flow of the dialogue start many conversations and finish none.
Just people talking about ideas, reflections, perceptions, experiences around one topic. That’s it.
“This felt like one of those really good conversations with friends when you think,
‘How can we set up the conditions for this to happen again?’”
The first round of initial thoughts is intended to open the circle before the contributions of others directs the discussion. The goal is to bring our own ideas to the table, I imagine this like a potluck. We all bring food most of us have had before but maybe didn’t think about making this time, tasting something we never had before and something we’ll think we could have cooked better. Every time we fill our plate again is every time we speak and how much we allude, reflect or respond to what someone else has brought or to our own harvest. Either way, all is valid.
Here’s what we’ve learned about creating the conditions of this space:
Every contribution immediately conditioned the thoughts of others. While this showed the intended practice of listening, it revealed how easily our original thoughts are altered by the environment. So we intend on responding to this by firstly, emphasising the intention of the first round and secondly, by taking a brief pause after every contribution.
Here’s some ideas that surfaced on the topic of honesty and white lies:
The function of white lies can act as a social glue, constructing harmony on the expected enthusiasm, politeness, care.
White lies as an extended evolutionary form of deception, camouflage – games, drama, ritual… (Sometimes it’s more about the way we do/say things rather than the literal meaning of what we’re saying)
The enchantment and betrayal of ‘lying’ to children:
There was an interesting opposition of opinions: “Lies always come back to bite us eventually” vs “(We live in a culture that means) lying gives us personal benefit”
Asking vs guessing cultures
Rejecting friendship: lacking socially acceptable mechanisms for “I respect you but I don’t want to be friends,” what happens when we say it bluntly anyway…?
“We should catch up soon!” vs “Maybe at some point it will align that we’ll see each other”
White lies as a cultural construct. Are they more evident when we change the cultural context? Is British politeness plainly white lies to other cultures? In the process of adaptation and assimilation discussed, initial perception of fakeness turned into a ceremonious form of mutual appreciation and celebration.
white lies as a dance of mutual lying
people hiding behind honesty to be cruel
lying to protect someone struggling
the closer we are to someone the more honest we can be?
should being honest be balanced with the degree it affects the recipient, and whether they expect and consent to hear the whole truth?
Self-denial believing one’s own white lies ‘I don’t/didn’t have time’, ‘I’m not addicted to coffee/vaping/my phone…, I can stop whenever’, ‘I could never do that to someone’, ‘I never judge’, ‘I don’t need much’,...
White lies for others or for ourselves because we want to be liked?
Do we lie to fit in, because it is expected, out of cowardice or because we want to be liked?
Is people-pleasing deceptive of our true feelings?
White lies to protect ourselves, white lies to protect others, but when is it an excuse and when is it necessary?
We ended the session with open minds and pores enlarged by the heat. As we finished off the kilos of watermelon, we ran a final round to consider what we were carrying home. Whether those were ideas or stories shared or the small personal shifts that happened while we listened. Some reflected on insights offered by others; some noticed what the conversation stirred within themselves.
“It made me realise how bad I am at listening”.
Our next Listening Circle will be held on Monday 30th of June at La Ruca once again. Expect more cold soft drinks and vegan GF snacks – please come along and bring your friends!